Wednesday, 10 August 2011

Day Six: Happiness? Is that you my old friend?

I was starting to think that I'd made a terrible mistake coming up here and, although, I am still open to the idea, I managed to have a good time today.

I slept with LBC playing on my laptop. I awoke to Nick Ferrari inviting listeners to call in just so he can tell them that they're wrong. They were discussing cancelling the Notting Hill Carnival in light of the riots and you could hear the glee in Nick's voice as he thought that he had finally got his way. Nick hates black people and poor people.

I had to leave the house quite early today (1.15pm) to do a gig. It was with crazy Geordie, Richard Todd again. I love gigging with him. He's now introduced a visual element to one of his routines (see below) as he doesn't trust the audience to have as vivid imagination as he has. I had an ok time. I was introduced as one of the best comics on the open mic circuit which annoyed me a bit as it's a lot to live up to (even in the shitty world of open mic comedy). I referred to it a little and didn't get any laughs. There was a 14-year old kid in the front row and I bantered (fast-talking South London style) with him a bit. JK Rowling routine seemed to go down very well. I've only brought that back out of necessity really but as the last film's out, I guess it's kinda topical again. I'm proud of that routine, it's smug and it's the oldest material I have in my set.

Tagline: Richard Todd demonstrating the "son" move on Dave Chawner.

I still have some day-job work to do while I'm here. I didn't realise how annoying it is playing with spreadsheets on a lap-top (this paragraph is going to be thrilling, I can feel it). I am accustomed to a number pad on my keyboard. I am a demon with a number pad, go on test me. So I'm having to use the top number keys like someone who's not used to using computers. If I ever kill myself, it will be a number pad not working that will push me over the edge. Not the big things.

I headed up to Comedy Slappers and flyered for a bit. I am rubbish at flyering. Mark's much more forceful than me, he gives people paper cuts from thrusting them into their hands whereas I'm a bit more "Jawantstanup? No? 'K" It's fucking soul destroying. "What's it about?" someone asked me today. Good question. I said it was about stuff and that. I don't think he came. The gig was small, quiet and I didn't really get any laughs. The mic wasn't working either so I had a hand free which I hate.

I booked tickets to see Kerry Godliman. I saw Kerry for the first time back in 2005 and I related to her and loved her so much, it put the idea of being a stand-up in my head. I met her not long ago and told her so, she was very sweet and thanked me and told me not to give up "we need more girls" she said. Today, she was great but I think that her "club set 20 minutes" is the best she had. Mark really enjoyed her, I knew he would.

Toby and Sandra Merritt arrived today. I was so pleased to see them. Especially Tobes. The three of us had dinner at an Italian and I managed a belly laugh for the first time since I got here when I said that I was going to have a crepe. "I'd rather you didn't do it at the table." Sandra retorted. Megalolz.

I brought Toby and Sandra along to Gagstronomic! We had a full house. A house full of dead people it seems. Francis, our guest DIED. Hannah went on and DIED. Mark went on, DIED and shouted at the audience calling them fuckers. I went on, I'd decided during Hannah's set that it would be pointless to do any routines. I was pretty sure that the audience weren't going to roll over for me so I didn't want to risk doubting my material. I compared the experience to a Saudi beheading, a few chuckles. I spoke to the audience a bit. Did some one-liners and ended on my four-year old niece's joke introducing as follows:

"This is my four-year old nieces joke. If you don't laugh then you hate kids.
Why did the banana go to the doctors?
Because he wasn't peeling very well."

The biggest (only) laugh of the evening! Eva can have that laugh though I reckon she nicked that joke off someone else.

Dying is part of stand-up. Tonight, I would have preferred hecklers, at least it's something - like being punched by your husband, it's some sort of affection. It doesn't hurt so much when everyone on the bill dies, you can blame the audience that way. It's when others have done well that it feels REALLY bad. Francis took is quite badly. I asked him what he thought a proper experienced comic would have done in that room and neither of us could answer. The thing is, proper experienced comics don't have to flyer to get a disinterested audience, it's a catch 22.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

Tagline: Sandra taking advantage of the silence in the room by having a sleep.

So three gigs that got progressively worse. I've got three tomorrow. I've got a feeling it will go the other way.

It's going to start raining again tomorrow for five days. It was nice while it lasted.

Another thing I want to try while I'm here is Darren Walsh's and my idea to make a jacket completed out of shrunk crisp packets. I will wear the jacket and do as many crisp puns as humanly possible. Please send shrunk crisp packets or crisp puns to: 20a Buccleuch Place, Edinburgh.

I saw a girl today who I either fear or pity. She is tall, well built and wears a bowler hat. She looks like a kinda Clockwork Orange/fat Liza Minelli's Cabaret. There is someone who is either an absolute fucking dickhead or really cool. Actually, I've just remembered that I overheard her introducing herself as "Elf". I would have liked my dad to have been there. "That's a stupid piggin' name." And he would be right. Especially given that she is not elf-like, if she wanted to be magical, she should have called herself "Centaur" She had the legs for it. 

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